The thing that has made me start writing today is something that almost brought a tear to my eye. Whilst filing something away I came across 17 pages of a diary I wrote between 15th Sept and 13th Oct 1990. I was 17 years and 6 months old.
It is the 22nd Sept today, so I thought we could travel back 23 year, almost to the day. I will lay my soul bare. The intention of doing this is not to cause embarrassment to anyone. I am simply hoping that if you are aspiring to do something a little bit out of reach, maybe you are applying to universities? Then gain some strength from my insecurities and teenage reflections ( I clearly had some bad eating habits...not to be emulated). Believe in yourself and do the best you can.
Saturday 15th Sept 1990
Today is a boring day to start a diary. I should have started on my holiday in the Highlands, or when I failed my driving test or something. I wouldn't know where to start. I want this diary to be fairly interesting to read. I want it to be very private and personal but I'd be scared of writing down some of my deepest thoughts as I'd probably be ashamed of them, and if anyone should read anything by accident I would hate for them to get hurt.
I'll have to start being honest about myself, but then I'm scared I'll sound neurotic.
It's 9.05pm, I'm listening to Elgar's cello concerto, in bed. It's really emotional and it reminds me of how much I yearn for peace and refuge in a mountainous, romantic wilderness. I'm not stupid, I know life's not like that, but it's a magical fantasy which casts my mind from " the damping effect on amplitude" and the "reactivity of S block elements".
I really want to be a doctor. I know it will be sooo hard. I hate stress. I become someone else. I hurt people I care for most. Today I am not stressed, but I was frustrated when I couldn't do my physics worksheet. Only Allah knows my destiny.
I went to Shire-Hill hospital this morning. Did the usual, I shaved Harold and some other blokes. I was asked to manicure the ladies too, but I have no scissors.
It was a sunny, warm day. I drove to Tesco in the afternoon. Then I visited Sarah with Raza and company.
I was looking for a suit in a catalogue but got very little inspiration.
Dad asked me , if I had money what would I want. I gave him a few simple answers. All I really want is to be happy, and good to my family. I suppose today's diary is longer than expected.
Don't be surprised if I don't write every day. Don't be surprised if I get the dates wrong.
I'd just like to keep track of me, my feelings etc..
Today Suzy must have been disappointed. She likes Nawad from New York, but she found out he is a different type of muslim, Ahmedy or something.
Anyway, I must leave it for today...with the last word that I would like to lose some weight.
9.25pm
Sunday 16th Sept 1990
Well, what can I say? It's 10:48 pm and I have just driven back from Rizwana's house. We had a good chat, but most of it was about the unfortunate issue of "A levels". She thinks I'm pretty square. I wish to be a happier person.
I spent about three hours doing an essay on cell growth. I don't know what possessed me. It's a form of revision. I think it's a way of rebelling, showing how much I need to work to attempt to do well.
Now for the honest bit: Of course I love my family, but when I am too pressurised by them - going whenever and where-ever they want. I wish they would just go out without me. I hate stopping their fun.
I drove to the cash and carry Roy Hall this morning. The subject of "the test" came up. Why I am so bitter and hurt by it? God, I'm so stubborn. My driving today was affected by my feelings. So dad shouted at me and said I deserved to fail, which I am sure I did. Why can't I enjoy life anymore? It must be growing old. I'll try to be more merciful.
10:56pm
Monday 17th Sept 1990
It's 9.12pm. Words cannot express how I have miserably failed to understand my physics and chemistry homework. I've really got to try and get help. College was tiring but Mr Wright made physics slightly more interesting than usual. I had a "free" first so I did some physics and went in late. I had a carrot at lunchtime and my ryvita at 3.40pm.
In biology I got an 8 in my assessment, which is OK. Doc Edwards was really chatty about windsurfing.
I felt bored in chemistry so I didn't concentrate very hard, therefore I don't understand my homework.
Someone was chucking things in my direction on the train today. God knows why but it HIT numerous times.
Mandy's worried about Andrew who is home tomorrow and Emma won't tell me the secret to her afternoon good moods.
I came home and watched "The Clothes Show" on video, then TV101 (last in series). I tried to do my homework at 6 ( did not succeed).
Uncle Aslam rang at 6.30. We had a small chat. Amir Khan was on "The rough guide", taped "King Solomon's mines". TV was too good today. Work was bad. Life was fine. Alison was ill.
I love my family. I wish I could show them how much.
9.20pm
Tuesday 18th Sept 1990
It's 8.34pm. I am listening to Delibes flower duet. I can't do my physics homework, same as yesterday! Mandy couldn't do my chemistry so the question must be wrong! She said " Never say die", so I reckon that's what keeps her going. I tried saying it when I couldn't do my physics, but as you can tell....I died.
I've got to ask tomorrow.
I rang Reeds driving school and spoke to an answering machine. Dad taped Oprah Winfrey with Tom Cruise which I watched as soon as I got home. At college we had Mrs Hampson, who thinks I am stupid. Doc Neath was alright for a chemistry practical. We also had Mr (I can't cope with him) Burridge.
Rachel was depressed and Mandy was worried.
Dad wants me to go to Newcastle/Lakes this weekend. If I don't go the whole family won't go. I know they want to go, so its almost blackmail.
I know I NEED TO STUDY, but I can't do both. What can I do? Dad says he will not go without me.
I have to get into medicine.
I'd like to do a yachting course at the adult centre on Friday nights. I'm supposed to be doing windsurfing tomorrow but I have made no arrangements. I will have to do something else for complementary studies.
Wednesday 19th Sept 1990
Had chemistry first lesson- I got jip off Mr Haughton. Sarah and Carla had gone to a biology convention at Manchester Poly. At break we had assembly with Mr Ball. It was about UCCA forms. He said the first 15 had been sent off already! I then had physics with Mr Ball. He's a strange man, sometimes you think you know him, other times not.
I had to wait all through lunch for a talk on complementary personal leisure. I went to the Adult centre ( after just catching the train by a breath) and I booked myself on a yachting theory course on Fridays.
I've got an appointment with the expensive Reeds school of driving - (his indicator is on the left).
At 4pm we went to Wigan. We gave Aunty Bunty's anniversary present to her cousin Jean. Her family was lovely. We had dinner at Syma's house. Anam is so cute. We gave Nadia her birthday present.
Overall I had a very lucky day. Mandy is happy Andrew is going to see her. Me and Rachel had a depress sesh. I have to ask about physics C3. Oh yeah, I've got English tomorrow, that will be a change.
11.09pm
Thursday 20th Sept 1990
It is 8.58pm. Yes, pretty early today. I am tired from last night and I have a sore throat. I had a free lesson so I made my salmon ryvitas, did some physics revision ( but not anything worth remembering), I got stuck.
Before I caught the train I withdrew £20 for my Reeds 'rip off' driving lessons. I had biology second class. Mrs H rambled on about chemical mixing in the sea. TRIED to do some physics at lunchtime.
Next week I'll go juggling with Rachel and Carla.
After lunch I had Dr Bhattia for creative writing. I was too creative for Hydra ( I don't want to write for the school magazine). I was sat next to two knobs who laughed all the time.
9.15pm Suzy just brought be some hot blackcurrant drink, she is such a sweetie. I came home at 4pm and was nibbling all the time. Simone surprisingly came over. She wanted to borrow lower 6th chemistry papers.
I was a bit insensitive to my family today. Mum worked hard on homestuff etc... Dad said I was beautiful when I looked like a trog.
I must look after ma and pa.
9.20pm
P.S Try to ask about chemistry and physics.
Must start chemistry revision.
21:30pm 22nd Sept 2013
Get back in the DeLorean folks....I have to put my 3 year old to bed.
I will write some more entries from my diary in the coming weeks....if you want me to?
I sincerely don't want to offend anyone. If you have been mentioned above, and don't like the context, just email me and I will edit. I did not change any names because, whilst typing this I remembered you and recalled the important place you once had in my life...and for some people you still do!
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